it's been 7 months and 6 days since i've seen you last..
and even then it was in a casket.
i miss you so much.
it hurts so bad.
i would do anything right now, just to see you... to hear your voice.
each day that goes by is just another one without you.
it's so weird. i'll just randomly start crying, i miss you that much.
if only you could have made it through the winter... i'm sure you would still be here...
you only needed to have lasted a few more months..
you were going to stop the chemotherapy..and i don't blame you.. we were going to find a new treatment... a new doctor...
you were going to get better!
the day before you died... grandma called us, saying how you just couldn't take it anymore..
you couldn't live like that any longer...
it must have been so bad...
and i cried that night, hoping you wouldn't give up.. that you could get better...
and the next day you were gone.
i got home from school and went up to dads room to say hi.
and he told me you had died that morning.
i didn't cry then.
i didn't beleive it.
i didn't cry until the calling hours.. my 14th birthday.
you were bald... i hadn't seen you that bald in awhile.
you were so pale... so cold.
i held your hand, and it felt like wax... nothing more.
not your hands.
i couldn't stop crying.
the service there was bad too.
a poem was read.. and i could hear him saying it, in his unmistakable voice...

<c>Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free.
I’m following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call.
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day.
To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that place at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembering joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Ah, yes these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life’s been full, I’ve savored much
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me.

God wanted me now

He set me free.</c>

i learned what 'sobbing uncontrollably' really meant, then.
and the funeral...
i had just gotten back from a writing competition...
the story i had written about you had gotten me the highest ranking..
i didn't think i could cry anymore...
i had just seen you on christmas... a few weeks before..
and you had cut the chicken...
i'll always keep that picture of us as my desktop background...
you had never heard me play the trombone for you...
i was going to bring it next visit... maybe raise your spirits..
now that chance is gone. you'll never hear me play, or see me graduate, or be able to brag about my grades ever again.
you loved that i was smart. i could tell by the look in your eyes when i talked about my classes. you were proud...
you drove up to north carolina for thanksgiving.
i think you knew it would be your last.
you saw mia for the first time..
you'll never see her and anthony grow up..
at least not from earth.
this thanksgiving is going to be so hard.
i don't know how i'm going to do it.
i miss you so much.
i think about you all the time.
i wonder if you can see me now..
and most of all, i wonder if you're proud...
i love you.
<3